Why Porn Sucks (And Not Well.)

“Watch lots of porn” is pretty high on the list of things that sound like a good job description, until you have to do it. I realize that now, after watching hours of porn in an attempt to curate a collection that will get women hot and horny and happy. It’s not working, even for me. If I hear one more woman say, “that’s right stud, slide that fucking cock into my tight little ass” while some greased-up guy with his socks and shoes on contorts his face as if he’s taking the biggest dump of his life, I think I might vomit. Or give up sex. Or stop watching porn.

So here I am, trying to curate a collection of porn for women to have on the new site that we’re building. Our goal is to inspire women to discover their own sexuality and have fun with it. Porn is a useful tool, for a lot of reasons. It can, in the right situations, be a turn on. It can be a conversation starter. It can be a fun – and funny – thing to do together. (And for women, who get “hot” in their heads, it can be a way to get hot quickly. My ex and I used to lie in bed with his laptop and watch porn to kick the night off, because it could get me “ready” with less foreplay, and sometimes, that’s good for everyone.)

I think that watching porn can do two very important things that nothing else can really do.

1. Porn can provide a safe place for women to be voyeurs into the incredible diversity of sexual possibility – without anyone pressuring them to do something or be something that they’re not. They can watch it in the privacy of their own home, and simply by doing so the horizons of sexual possibility broaden.
2. Porn can also be a good instruction manual or security blanket of sorts. Imagine that you want to try something new – whether it’s a 3some or anal sex or anything else – but you really don’t know how it works. Watching videos of people doing it can help you get your head around how it might work, and show you that, yes, it is possible to get THAT in THERE.

So I want women to watch more porn. And I’m not alone. The adult industry has been trying to crack this nut (so to speak) for ages. And sure, there are a lot of women watching porn, in increasing numbers. But there are more who aren’t. In all our focus groups and conversations with women, we found that the vast majority of them do not like porn. They don’t watch it, they don’t want to.

Hmmmm. Why?

Because, for the most part, porn is made by and for men. There are entire sections of book stores dedicated to the fact that men and women think differently, so this does not bode well for our love lives, our sex lives, our the goal of getting more women to watch porn that is made by and for men. And no, it’s not as easy as watching “porn for women,” or even “porn by women,” because that implies that women are a homogenous group, which we’re not. There are three women on our team, and our taste is VERY different – to the point of some of us actually being turned OFF by the stuff that turns some of us ON.

That said, there are some pretty obvious things that, after watching a ton of porn in the last 24 hours, I feel that I can safely say, on behalf of most women, SUCK, about most of the porn on the market.

1. Men want to fantasize about chicks they can’t really have, women want to fantasize about being wanted for who they really are. Most men are turned on by stereotypically hot bodies, and most women in porn have those Barbie-bodies that normal women don’t have. Men get turned on. Women feel insecure, inadequate, like they can’t live up. Having your lover talk about how hot some body THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOURS is, is not a turn on. Feeling insecure is the opposite of feeling hot.
2. Do those people know anything about the female body? The things that are done to women in porn – sometimes by other women, but mostly because men like watching it – are ridiculous. Taking your tongue and flopping around the general area of where a woman’s clit might be, as if you’re trying to get beer foam off your chin, IS NOT HOT. Seeing that will immediately cause any woman to think, “that wouldn’t even feel good,” and remind her that most men have no flippin’ idea how the clitoris works. Put that in porn, and we’re out. (Hint? The clitoris is like a little tiny penis. It has a shaft and a head, most of which is hidden. Think about what feels good on your cock, both with hands and blow jobs, and do that… confused? Ask your woman – you’ll get more great sex just for asking than you ever will for trying to imitate a porn star!)
3. What’s with all the talking? Seriously.  Shut the fuck up. Moaning and groaning and grunting is great. The basic directional – even really bossy – is great. But the non-stop dialog about what you’re doing, where, why, how, is just ridiculous. Guess what, I know your cock is in my pussy, you don’t need to tell me that. If you do need to, we have other problems. Ironically, I love dirty talking, personally, but criminey, not nonstop! And don’t get me started on the inane dialog and inane plots that involve the pizza man, the bank loan officer, the concerned gynecologist etc….  For the sake of all that is sexy, give it up. Just show great sex. (Unless you are actually going to put in totally the wrong sound track, because that’s hysterical, especially when you hear the loud “thwack” of a paddle and no one in the film has a paddle.)
4. Where are the real people? The only time dialog does work is when it’s real. Which is when porn works the best anyway. More good amateur stuff, please. Which also removes a lot of the “predatory ick” that many women get from the porn industry in the first place, but that’s another subject.
5. Men, take off your shoes. Seriously. I get that women look sexy in heels and thigh-highs and what not. But I’m telling you, no guy looks hot with hairy legs, gym socks and sneakers. (Though it is better than hairy legs, black socks and dress shoes.) You’re telling me that with everything that goes into making a porn film, you can’t clean a floor well enough that a guy is comfy taking his shoes off? (Especially since said guy is sticking his….  Well, you know.)

Given the sorry state of porn, I do have some simple steps to get you started with semi-successful-porn-pleasure.

1. Turn the volume off. (Which sucks, because hot sex sounds are HOT, but inane dialog is not.)
2. Watch it with a partner, and be prepared to laugh. That can be a great bonding experience, and you never know what will happen. (Bonus points for watching it in the kitchen, because one great way to zip up your sex life is get out of the bedroom.)
3. Critique it. Seeing something you don’t like is a great way to learn what you do like. Especially if you’re watching with a partner. Any conversation that starts with, “I dunno about that, but it might be more fun if…..” is going to enhance your sex life.

Even if it’s not perfect, watch more porn, have more conversations about sex, learn new things & try new things. In the mean time, I’m going to keep trying to find a bunch of good porn for you. See what I do? I’m sacrificing my own sex life for yours! (Besides, my guy and I both like boobs, and I’m not blessed with much in that department, and thankfully neither is he. So he can have all of my fabulous assets AND we can have some boobs to look at, best of all worlds. And that’s how porn can work!)

Tagged as: porn