by Not So Secret

OPINION: Tubal Tantrums (Alyssa Royse) When I was 28, and preparing to give birth to the daughter I never expected, I asked my doctor to tie my tubes while we were in there. Over the course of my pregnancy he had proven the kind of doctor who never questioned me, trusted my instincts over anything he learned in medical school and listened to how I chose to live my life when offering his opinions. When I asked him for a tubal, having not yet given birth, high on hormones and anticipation, he told me that it made him uncomfortable because I had no idea how I was going to respond to motherhood.  He suggested that it might be better to consider this an open dialog, and keep checking in.

It never occurred to me to be offended by this.

OPINION: Masturbation May Should Be Every Day!  (Victoria Leigh Reuveni) Masturbation has an interesting history. I won’t go into all the nitty-gritty sex-negative messages that have been perpetuated throughout time. Despite the amount of  mis-information that’s out there about masturbation, as a society we have come a long way. In the late 19th- and early 20th-centuries, self-pleasure was something insane people did. Much of the “research” from that time period on masturbation came from people who were institutionalized. (Obviously, those data might not be generalizable for everyone and it raises a lot of questions.) Many of us have heard the silly myths that have been said about masturbation: You’ll go blind; Hair will grow on your palms.

OPINION: Not So Secret Blog Accentuate the Negative  In recent week, I’ve gotten a troubling number of emails from followers asking me to respond to some alarmingly negative writing from prominent sex writers. I have felt uncomfortable doing so, after all, we support each other here. It’s at the very core of what we do.

But when well-respected writers with huge followings suggest that the consensual choice to remove pubic hair infantilizes women and is akin to pedophilia, or says on a radio show that being asexual is a disorder linked to abuse, or refers to people’s sexual habits as “strange,” or suggest sticking a popsicle in a vagina for interesting sex – WE HAVE TO STAND UP AND SAY “NO.” En masse.

OPINION: Alyssa Royse Fifty Shades of FictionFifty Shades of Grey has been vibrating in the zeitgeist’s sweet spot with such intensity that I could no longer ignore it. People kept asking me how I felt about it as a woman, a sex-writer, a sex-positive activist, and as a mother. By the time I picked up all three books I had read articles both for and against it, from every position imaginable, from every group imaginable. The response has been, well, unprecedented, and only two things seem consistent:

  1. People seem to agree that the writing is horrendous. I get it. The writing sucks.
  2. People seem to be taking it very personally.  I don’t get it. It’s not about you.

INFORMATION: How To Get Started With Anal Sex by Veronica Griggs Many people are coming to realize the great pleasures of anal sex. At least  more people are starting to talk about it, which means we want to be sure that you’re getting good information! (As always, your friends, porn, and random web searches are not always the best sources of good information.) Without a little instruction, your first anal sexcapade could turn out to be a not-so-enjoyable one. Here at NotSoSecret.com, we like to make sure all of your sexual experiences are as safe and fun as they can be, so we’ve made you your very own guide to anal sex! Enjoy! …more…

OPINION: Victoria Reuveni  Condoms & Teens This post was inspired by my seventeen year old sister. I’ve been very open with her about sex and sexuality for a while now. She’s having a very different experience than I did at her age. When I was a teen, I had no actual experience; all the knowledge I had about sex and sexuality was gleaned from books and side glances at the sexually explicit themes that surround my neighborhood in West Hollywood. (Not to mention the small handful of Gay Pride Parades I went to as a teenager.) My sister, on the other hand, has had a lot of open conversations about these topics. She’s proof of the sex positive movement’s position that having honest, accurate discussions on sexuality not necessarily leading to increased sexual activity (as the conservative, right-wing wants you to believe). Knowledge is power. …more…

SURVEY: Blow Hard & Prosper: The Blowjob Survey Results Last week, as Esquire Magazine declared the blowjob dead, Mark Twain laughed over a beer with Elvis, and penned a note to all of us, that we’ll never get  “don’t worry, the reports of its death have been greatly exaggerated.”

The original article was inane. But so too was a response on the Ms. Magazine blog, that was not only written by a man, but quoted a bunch of men about the death of the blow job. All of them smart and well-meaning, but all of them taking an odd stance of blaming women (in an obtuse sort of way) for this imaginary slaying. They did so by analyzing not only how women feel about blow jobs, but why their attitudes have caused men to prefer cunnilingus.  Yup, prefer cunnilingus. An assertion that caused many women I know to do a retrospective survey of past lovers and ask, “what they hell are they talking about?” …more…

SURVEY: Dossie Easton’s “Your Sex Inventory”  (SURVEY IS OPEN!) We are honored to have permission to offer you Dossie Easton’s Your Sexual Inventory survey. This was originally conceived by Dr. Easton for publishing in The Ethical Slut. It is not in the current edition – which we think is crazy. Of all the books on our collective book shelves, this is one that we all agree everyone MUST read. Like, if we were “god,” we’d make you read it. It is such a useful and easy-to-read guide to discovering the landscape of your sexuality and sharing it with partners. It’s a no bullshit kinda thing. …more…

ARTICLES: The Business Of Your Relationship by Chelsea Holland It can often be easy to get caught on the how-do-I-make-my-sex-life-better boat when it comes to your relationship. Because sex is what typically separates our romantic relationships from those with our friends, we want to make sure our sex life is all that it can be. Although I strongly believe that focusing on your intimate time in the bedroom (or wherever your sexcapades may be) is important to keep your relationship hot and desirable, it is also important to not neglect the “business” side of your relationship.

OPINION: Alyssa Royse Satin & Lace & Feminine Grace When it comes to sex and sexuality, words really can get in the way of expressing things that really matter. Especially when expressing ideas that we use to define our worlds and our place in them.

Needless to say, I think a lot about gender roles and how we express them sexually. Spoiler: we all do it differently.

OPINION: Not So Secret SLUT: An Acronym For Better Sex Because we’re always looking for ways to help women make empowered decisions for a fulfilling sex life, we were trying to think of a simple way to help you evaluate whether or not the sex you are contemplating is likely to be a positive thing for you.

But how do you do that in a way that is inclusive? In a way that doesn’t imply that they way YOU do it is bad, weird. I mean, we can’t talk about “pain” as if it’s a thing to be avoided, because many people like pain. Or suggest that you must find “that one true love,” because many people don’t believe in that. We needed to find a simple way to help you assess whether the sex you’re contemplating is right for you, as an individual. And then we heard it, clear as the mating call of a feral beast in the moonlight. “SLUT!”

You need to make sure that your sex is perfect SLUT sex.

Found this picture online, but sadly, not a citation or place to by them. But I'm sure Jesus would love my ass too.

OPINION: Alyssa Royse Jesus & “His” Butt Hole  Lemme be clear up front, I’ve never met Jesus or played with his butt hole, so I can’t really say how he would feel about it. Then again, nobody that is alive and talking has, so none of us really have any right to say how Jesus would feel about having butt sex, or any of us having butt sex, for that matter. This is the nature of authentic & consensual sexual relationships; they happen as a result of direct communication between partners, not on guesses, assumptions and outside expectations. For what it’s worth, I think Jesus would be fine with it in any regard, but that is a moot point. No matter who makes it or how.

"Gala Drag Queen Valladolid" by Flickr user jhderojas

ARTICLE: Andie DeRoux A Short Glossary Of Trans Terms Transgender: An umbrella term used to describe someone who has exhibits a non-conforming gender identity. Someone who does not identify with the gender designation they were assigned based on their genitals at birth. It does not necessarily imply surgery, simply a person who was, for instance, born with male genitalia but considers themselves female.

Photo by Flickr user Misserion

OPINION: Chelsea Holland Don’t Yuck Someone Else’s Yum: Have you ever experienced a moment when you’re at a restaurant with someone and they order food you think is disgusting? You think, “How on earth can they like that? YUCK!” Personally, I cringe when someone orders something with olives. I can’t stand the taste. I tried an olive again a month ago just to see if I still hated them, you know ‘because tastes change’. Nope, still hate them. Strawberries on the other hand …

Meg Ryan in the classic "I'll have what she's having" fake orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally.

OPINION: Tell Me How You Like It, Baby Honestly, sometimes people say the stupidest things when it comes to sex. And I don’t mean “oh, that’s right baby, you’re fucking my pussy, that’s right, your cock is in my pussy,” or the other inane gibberish that modern porn may have us think is “sex talk.” (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you have to tell him that his cock is in your pussy, then you have big problems. Or not, as the case may be.)

ARTICLES: Sexual Shame Survey Results  If you watched Alyssa’s TEDx talk on Sexual Shame, then you saw the “snowball fight” at the end, in which the audience shared a quick survey about sexual shame. The results were so interesting that we opened the survey online as well, and the results were just as interesting. Here they are. Short version, we are a kinky people.

ADVICE: Ask A Mother: I’m Too Small, It Won’t Fit This is really embarrassing, and I do not want to have to talk to a doctor about it, so I’m hoping you can help. My kittie is just too tight, and it hurts when my boyfriend and I have sex.

Ask A poly Girl: Polysaturated, Too Much is Too Much I’m in a long term open relationship with two  women. I am engaged to marry one of them, however that relationships has been rocky for a while. However, I met a new woman, with whom I feel very connected and want to have a relationship.

Photo of Alyssa Royse by Randy James


OPINION: O Relax I  recently found myself discussing female orgasm with two guy friends. More specifically, my orgasms. Even more specifically, my lack thereof. It was a deeply personal and very detailed conversation, and it ended with one of them saying, “you really need to write this.” And my saying, as I often have, “I just don’t know how to.”

Ask A Guy: Faking it, Honestly? The problem is that I have a very hard time having an orgasm, like I pretty much don’t. So when we started dating, I used to fake it for him. But now that we’re more serious, I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t know how to back my way out of it. Thing is, we have REALLY great sex, but it seems like guys are all just programmed to go for the orgasm, and don’t feel good unless we cum. Should I just keep faking it for him, or should I talk to him and explain that it really doesn’t matter? Because it doesn’t.

FEATURE: Reproductive Cancers Are Not Sexy – Screen Yourself and Save Your Life Reproductive cancers are a serious problem.  According to a 2009 report by The American Cancer Society, an estimated 282,690 people developed new cases of Genital System Cancers in 2009. (Breast cancer, by comparison, claimed 194,280 new cases, which is a lot less, but still 194,280 too many.)

FEATURE: 10 Reasons To have Sex Tonight The evidence is mounting – sex is good for you, body and soul. Not only does an active sex life provide measurable physical benefits, but it also supports emotional and relational health. Life is full of a million distractions, but there are clear reasons why you should make time to make love.

HOW TO: Eat Her Pussy For many women, if you can do this well, you can have anything you want.  Problem is, it’s confusing in there. So I think a lot of people – men and women alike – are totally intimidated by the prospect of eating out a woman, because they are all SOOOOOOO different, and it really isn’t as straight forward as guys.  But, it isn’t all that hard either.

FEATURE: Life and Love After Rape Twenty-three years ago – when I was 17 and had just graduated from high-school – someone broke into my house while I was sleeping, came into my bed, climbed on top of me, held a gun to my head and raped me. My father was asleep down the hall and my two cats were doing whatever it is that cats do in the middle of the night.

INFORMATION: Learn Your Lube! Despite what you see in porn films, spit is not lube. Seriously, it isn’t. It can work in a pinch, but if you’re planning on fucking for a long time, or sticking something really big in some place that isn’t  really big, use lube!

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