Alyssa Royse

 ALYSSA ROYSE

Gateway Sexual Activities When Tennessee passed their new Gateway Sexual Activity law, I laughed out loud. Surely, this was a joke, right? The Onion had somehow gotten control of….  NO?  They were serious! It is written right into their laws that hand-holding has to be taught as a “gateway sexual activity” in sex ed classes in public schools. Hand holding is now pre-sex, and banned in schools. Which is going to be regrettable when people start posting photos of all those GOP politicians holding their children’s hands. Or when all those sweet pre-schoolers with hands holding that big long rope get classified as pre-BDSM.

 Fifty Shades of FictionFifty Shades of Grey has been vibrating in the zeitgeist’s sweet spot with such intensity that I could no longer ignore it. People kept asking me how I felt about it as a woman, a sex-writer, a sex-positive activist, and as a mother. By the time I picked up all three books I had read articles both for and against it, from every position imaginable, from every group imaginable. The response has been, well, unprecedented, and only two things seem consistent:

1. People seem to agree that the writing is horrendous. I get it. The writing sucks.
2. People seem to be taking it very personally.  I don’t get it. It’s not about you.

Photo by Flickr user Daquella Manera

“Strange-Sex” is Sex Negative It feels like only a few weeks ago that something on Trina Read’s blog pissed me off to the point of distraction. Oh, it was. And now it’s happened again. I want to like her, I want to believe that there is this great groundswell of sex-positive writers and we are all in it for the RIGHT reasons: to end sexual shame, persecution and prosecution so that all humans may enjoy their basic human right to derive pleasure from their own bodies in whatever way they want.

Trina Read is, almost single-handedly, making it hard for me to believe that. Yes, her following is growing, but at what cost? She’s getting readers by running blogs with headlines like Top Ten Strangest Sexual Fetishes. Will that drive page counts? You bet it will. Does it to terrific harm to the state of human sexuality? You bet it does.

Satin & Lace & Feminine Grace: When it comes to sex and sexuality, words really can get in the way of expressing things that really matter. Especially when expressing ideas that we use to define our worlds and our place in them.

Needless to say, I think a lot about gender roles and how we express them sexually. Spoiler: we all do it differently.

SLUT: An Acronym For Better Sex Because we’re always looking for ways to help women make empowered decisions for a fulfilling sex life, we were trying to think of a simple way to help you evaluate whether or not the sex you are contemplating is likely to be a positive thing for you.

But how do you do that in a way that is inclusive? In a way that doesn’t imply that they way YOU do it is bad, weird. I mean, we can’t talk about “pain” as if it’s a thing to be avoided, because many people like pain. Or suggest that you must find “that one true love,” because many people don’t believe in that. We needed to find a simple way to help you assess whether the sex you’re contemplating is right for you, as an individual. And then we heard it, clear as the mating call of a feral beast in the moonlight. “SLUT!”

You need to make sure that your sex is perfect SLUT sex.

Found this picture online, but sadly, not a citation or place to by them. But I'm sure Jesus would love my ass too.

Jesus & “His” Butt Hole Lemme be clear up front, I’ve never met Jesus or played with his butt hole, so I can’t really say how he would feel about it. Then again, nobody that is alive and talking has, so none of us really have any right to say how Jesus would feel about having butt sex, or any of us having butt sex, for that matter. This is the nature of authentic & consensual sexual relationships; they happen as a result of direct communication between partners, not on guesses, assumptions and outside expectations. For what it’s worth, I think Jesus would be fine with it in any regard, but that is a moot point. No matter who makes it or how.

Meg Ryan in the classic "I'll have what she's having" fake orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Tell Me How You Like It, Baby Honestly, sometimes people say the stupidest things when it comes to sex. And I don’t mean “oh, that’s right baby, you’re fucking my pussy, that’s right, your cock is in my pussy,” or the other inane gibberish that modern porn may have us think is “sex talk.” (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you have to tell him that his cock is in your pussy, then you have big problems. Or not, as the case may be.)

Tie Me Up & Worship Me  Whenever I speak – or write – about women’s sexuality in the context of empowerment, some very well-meaning person (usually a woman) will want to chat, with that knowing wink-wink nod-nod that assumes we will agree, about BDSM play. Invariably, they want me to agree with them that images of women tied up, bound, gagged and slapped are demeaning to women. They are waiting for me to validate their pent up indignation that anyone could do that to a woman.

My "baby" and me at Pride in Seattle, 2011.

I’m Proud, Even Though I Think THAT’S Weird: I get a lot of raised-eyebrows when people realize that I spend my life both advocating for sexual freedom and raising a daughter. As if those two things are somehow mutually exclusive. As if she isn’t the PRIME reason why I work to create a world in which she can be safe, happy, fulfilled, adventurous and autonomous with her own sexuality.

Illustration by Luis Fernando Pienda Mahecha

I Don’t Want A Relationship: We’re the same age, roughly. With alarmingly similar dispositions. We have more fun with each other than with just about anyone else. We sleep brilliantly together, (origami style, no less.) We want the same things, think the same way. We are both recently out of intense relationships with people for whom we would have done anything, but that were very manipulative. What we don’t do is have sex.

Stoya on the cover of Richardson Magazine

Porn, Body Image and Buff Women: I love bodies. I love both men’s and women’s bodies. I love my body. I have always loved Stoya’s body, hers especially. (And her amazingly pale skin, dark hair, pouty lips…. ) And, like many women, I look at all the bodies in the media, and I never see my own body. I often joke that I am built like a 16 year-old boy, which doesn’t fit in either Madison Avenue or The Valley’s idea of sexy. I have always wanted to see my body reflected back at me in a way that tells me that society deems it beautiful.

Real Women Have Real Bodies: I feel strange admitting that, despite it all, I LOVE MY BODY. I really do. I think it’s hot as hell, really. In this age of self-loathing that manifests as countless cosmetic surgery procedures, diet plans, creams and quick-fix schemes, I feel like I’m missing the boat by actually thinking my body is pretty impressive as it is.

Hiding My Vibe Too Well:I had to laugh. I had been away from home for two weeks visiting my boyfriend (well, he was my boyfriend then, but that’s another story.) He’s not into toys, and we don’t need them for anything, so I left my trusty very-favorite-vibe at home.

It’s Just Chemistry: The other night was a kind of magic night. All of the ingredients you can imagine were mixed together in a way that could only have been orchestrated by a divine power, or someone who writes chick flicks. The ingredients were perfect, and NOTHING came of it. I love it.

Dating In My 40′s: Dating in your 40’s is weird. Really weird. It is, as I’ve said before, as awkward and angst-laden as when you’re 14, but with higher stakes. Your hopes are higher, your expectations higher, your requirements higher, but the horizon to which you hope to ride off on the wings of love is ever so much closer.

Civil Unions For All: What if there was no such thing as legal marriage? As someone who has been an outspoken supporter of gay-marriage since long before it was a political issue, I am stunned to propose that gay people shouldn’t get married. Neither should straight people. I’m ready to support civil unions. Civil unions for ALL.

Abortion as a Social Meme: I’m not surprised that there are so many women who have abortions. Or that their speaking out has inspired media coverage. I am surprised, actually, by the fact that so many people have such strong spines to speak out about something that so many other people still look at with such shame. I was surprised to tears, actually.