This is really embarrassing, and I do not want to have to talk to a doctor about it, so I’m hoping you can help. My kittie is just too tight, and it hurts when my boyfriend and I have sex. It really hurts, sometimes it feels like it won’t fit in, when we do have sex there is sometimes blood, and I am just left curled up and crying. One friend said that I should try using bigger and bigger vibes until I’m stretched out enough, but I don’t want to have to use tools. What can I do to make it not hurt?
OY! This is a big one, no pun intended. But you’ve hit on a lot of important issues here. I was going to send this on to our doctor, but decided not to for one reason: I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE YOU MEDICAL ADVICE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO GO SEE A DOCTOR. Pain during intercourse is not “normal,” though it is common enough to have a name (vaginismus.) It is nothing to be ashamed of, and while it may well be nothing, it also may be a sign that something needs to be checked out. So do that!
In the meanwhile, I do have some thoughts that I will share with you.
1) There’s nothing wrong with seeing a doctor about this. That’s what they’re for. If you don’t have an OB / GYN who you love and trust, ask for recommendations for one. The first step in healthy sexuality is owning your right to it and eliminating any shame around it, which starts with you. Taking care of your body is the first step in taking care of yourself as an autonomous erotic being.
2) Also nothing wrong with tools. They’ve been around since the dawn of time, for exactly this purpose – and because they feel good. Would you not use crutches if you broke a bone? Chemotherapy if you had cancer? Let’s all reframe our thinking around this one. It’s not about kink or about not being able to do something alone, it’s about using all the tools at our disposal – vibes, porn, erotica, partners – to discover how much pleasure our bodies can give us. That said, I don’t think the point here is “stretching” so much as relaxing and learning.
There are lots of reasons why our vaginas might clam up and tighten to not let something in. But most of them have to do with fear and shame – yes, even if you’ve had sex before. I highly recommend that you buy a vibrating dildo and use it to get “used” to penetration again. (Or for the first time, as I don’t know your sexual history.) Start by using the vibration on your clit, and around your labia to “wake up” your vagina. Then insert it and explore the feelings that come up -both physically and emotionally. I would do this alone at first, so that you know your own body. Eventually, invite your partner to join you, as this will help to create safety, communication and intimacy that is of primary importance in a sexual relationship, and it will help him to learn about your body too.
3) IF you are not dealing with an underlying medical condition (which is why you should see a doctor, just in case) then I truly believe our vaginas tell us what we want and don’t want, even when our brains and hearts try to tell us otherwise. If your vagina simply will not relax enough to let something into it, it may be telling you that it does not want that in it, for whatever reason. A healthy vagina can squeeze a baby out of it, so unless the cock you are trying to put into it is larger than a newborn head, it probably will fit.
I know this is hard to hear, but please hear it. Even cursory research on vaginismus will show you that it is generally considered a psychological “issue” with very real physical manifestations. If you get a clean bill of health from your OB / GYN, it might be a good idea to meet with a sex therapist or a counselor who deals with sexual issues and discuss this. Again, may be nothing, but it’s up to you to own your sexual power, to explore and understand it in a way that empowers you and brings you joy. If it’s causing you pain, you owe it to yourself to find out why.
4) Sometimes we think our vaginas are the problem when really it’s something else entirely. Fibroids, a tilted uterus, cysts, scar tissue or any number of other things. This is a huge reason to see a doctor. Your vagina could be screaming at you, begging you to get something checked out. I found a uterine cyst after having very painful intercourse. Turned out to be nothing at all, went away on its own, but definitely taught me that my vagina lets me know what’s going on with my body.
5) Sex shouldn’t hurt, unless that’s what you’re into. You do not have to do anything that hurts you if you don’t want to. Any partner who tells you that you have to, or makes you feel bad about it, is not a partner who has your best interest at heart, and is not worthy of you. Yes, that’s a big statement. I know it, and I mean it.
I know that many of us have a lot of fear and shame around our sexual functioning. (Even I do, still!) But the best thing we can do is be open, honest, seek information, get help and take care of ourselves. And when you have consistent pain in ANY part of your body, you need to go see a doctor about it. That’s what they’re there for. I promise, they’ve seen it before, they’ll see it again. This is a common question, there is nothing to be ashamed of!
(By the way, I did catch that you call it your “kittie.” I feel like I need to be all professional here and call it a vagina, which is what it is. I encourage you to get used to the physical terminology also, as a way to normalize and get used to it. In some ways, it’s just a body part, like an elbow, and doesn’t need to be treated any differently. That said, when I’m not being all professional, I prefer “pussy.” Though admittedly, the imagery & alliteration of “cock” and “kittie” is just so good.)