I have been dating a guy for a while, and we have great sex. Thing is, when I started dating him, I didn’t think it was going to go anywhere, just be casual sex. However, things are great, like really great, and we’ve been together for 7 months now. Great, right? No. The problem is that I have a very hard time having an orgasm, like I pretty much don’t. So when we started dating, I used to fake it for him. But now that we’re more serious, I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t know how to back my way out of it. Thing is, we have REALLY great sex, but it seems like guys are all just programmed to go for the orgasm, and don’t feel good unless we cum. Should I just keep faking it for him, or should I talk to him and explain that it really doesn’t matter? Because it doesn’t!
I know we are just starting this “ask a guy” advice relationship, but I really feel that this is an opportunity to be totally honest with you, my women readers, about some of men’s little secrets. Sometimes we are not as smart as you think, sometime we are smarter than you think, sometimes we don’t care and can provide emotional distance, and sometimes we care deeper than you can imagine. This question demonstrates one of those moments where women show a lack of understanding of the male mind and heart.
Let’s take a moment to talk about la petite mort. I love how the French call the orgasm ‘the little death’, because for the brief moment we exist beyond our rational minds. It is a complete abandonment of all things. It is rapture. When it is shared between lovers we experience a moment of trust and connection that is rarely felt in our everyday lives. Ideally lovers dance between the edge of their own oblivion and the orgasmic gift we wish to provide to their partner. Along that dance they map the erogenous topography. See great stuff!
But so much for poetry, turns out that men and women have a very different perspective about this subject of the orgasm. I am SHOCKED to learn that it is a common practice amongst women to fake it and they don’t seem to have any problem with it. “Men are too orgasm centered.” “It is all about the prize for them.” Guys are “programmed to go for the orgasm” (like that is a bad thing).
Just from the sex point of view, it is honestly a great disservice to you by not training your lover to provide the pleasure you want. Ya know how men have a reputation of not asking for directions when we drive. That is not necessarily a truism, but men do love to be explorers and cartographers especially with new lovers. We love to find our way and we use your verbal clues to let us know if we are on the right path or not. If day-one you loudly scream that we have found the treasure, and then our job is done. It may not be the best map or the most interesting map we have ever made but it gets us to where we need to go! We will stick to that routine because we know it makes you happy. But it didn’t really make you happy.
All right confession time, I faked an orgasm once. I had a condom on, I have seen ‘When Harry Met Sally’, and this tryst was not ideal. So faked it, tossed the condom, never slept with her again and fell VERY bad about it. I am sure that more than one woman has faked it with me and I am not pleased about that. Hell, I even have had women yell at me because I finished before them. But I have also lovers that were honest about their difficulty with orgasms and we put some effort into it. Those were a fun and those were based on honesty.
You need to come clean. You need to be honest and speak from the heart about your assumptions that you lover only cares about ringing your bell. You also need to put some personal work in on your own body (if you haven’t already). Buy a vibrator and explore your body to find what your like and what an orgasm means to you. Then tell your lover how to find his way to the place. Ultimately trust that he cares about you first and your orgasm second. Hopefully he will…